To Those Who Think I’m Not Trying Hard Enough to Get Better

To those who think I don’t try hard enough.

To those who think I cry too much.

To those who don’t understand.

And to those who can.

I want you to know what it’s like to go to bed every night hoping you won’t wake up and feeling disappointed when you do wake up. I want you to know what it feels like to go to school every day with the pressure of having a scholarship because you couldn’t afford to pay your school’s fees and feeling like you don’t deserve it. I want you to know what it’s like to sit in an exam and not know how to answer a single question because you were planning your suicide in class. I want you to know what it’s like to have to constantly ask the girl next to you to copy her notes. I want you to know what it’s like to go to school every day feeling like nobody would notice if you stopped turning up. I want you to know what it’s like to have gone through six years of high school with severe depression, anxiety and an eating disorder without telling anyone. I want you to know what it’s like to go to school after a night of fighting, abuse and crying — not to mention no sleep, because that was a reality for me for every day for six years.

I want you to know what it’s like to have no one around when all you want is someone to talk to. I want you to know what it’s like to feel desperate to disappear. I want you to know what it’s like to be afraid of seeing your own reflection because you’re not sure you could cope with seeing yourself in the mirror without crying in shame.

I want you to know what it’s like to be the friend who constantly gets left out. I want you to know what it’s like to be the friend who doesn’t have strength. I want you to know what it’s like to live in a family who doesn’t believe in mental illness. I want you to know what it’s like to tell your psychologist everything and have her tell you’re not physically sick, so you’re the only one who can help yourself. I want you to know what it’s like to feel like everyone who you come in contact with will leave you.

I want you to know what depression really feels like, how it distorts your perception of the world and how it changes your reality. I want you to know how hopeless, helpless and lifeless depression can make you feel. And most of all, I want you to know what it’s like to still be here fighting each day when you don’t even know why you even keep doing so.

Actually, I made a mistake. I don’t want you to know. Because I would never want anyone to go through what I have. However, it is reality for me and for many people – perhaps yourself or a loved one. But while I don’t want you to know everything I said above, I want you to think about what it would be like. Because I promise I’m trying and I promise you and your loved ones are too. Sometimes depression doesn’t let go, but it doesn’t mean we didn’t try. This is just something I wanted to share. I hope it helped you because it definitely helped me.

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